Depression - 15 years on
Yesterday I heard an interview on BBC Radio 4 with an experienced police officer who suffered depression as a result of his prolonged exposure to managing crises. He described his descent into depression and how the difference between sadness and depression is like comparing a puddle to an ocean.
15 years ago I descended into depression. I would feel sick every time I drove to work. I considered just driving off and not coming back. I managed a day hospital with a fantastic small team of caring, innovative staff. I gradually spent less time with them, often sitting in my office at lunchtimes instead of with my team. My sleep became interrupted and I woke up early most days. I didn't see my descent despite being a mental health professional. I had written to my manager expressing my unhappiness at the lack of support for my team and unit and how I was experiencing stress at work. I got no answer until one day when I was off sick, my manager rang me at home to tell me my acting up managers post was being taken by someone on a permanent basis. There was no acknowledgment of my work, no options, just a decision. In truth I was probably off work because was depressed but I just didn't know it. The next two hours were a blur. I wrote a note to my wife and family and got in the car. I decided that I was driving to coast and going to jump in the sea. I got half way there and drove through a market town. I noticed the sign for a bank and then a telephone. Something clicked as I left town and I stopped. I turned my car around and went to call home. My wife told me to just drive home which i did.
I don't know the full detail of what was in that note but knew I had let my family down. I wasn't strong enough, determined enough, well enough to be who I was. Like many who have decided to end it all, I felt my family would be better off without me. This seems the most obvious thing in the world at that moment. My failure at work kind of summed it all up. If I had been a better manager, I would have been given the chance on a permanent basis. It transferred to other aspects of my life. I could have been a better father, husband, son.
My road back has been long one. There have been many downs in those 15 years and some monumental changes. My life is infinitely better now than it has been for most of those 15 years. Depression is a misunderstood illness. It leaves permanent scars, reduces your capacity to fully function, destroys self confidence, self esteem and motivation. My scars live with me but they are faded.
Give your friends and family the support they need when helping them to overcome depression. Show them they really count, that there is another way. The Black Dog is always there in the background, waiting to come closer. Put yourselves between the sufferer and the dog. The more support and love you give, the smaller it becomes.
I used to think that my depression was just a sign of weakness, of failure, of inadequacy. My depression was not any of those things. Don't let those around you struggling, believe those signs.
15 years ago I descended into depression. I would feel sick every time I drove to work. I considered just driving off and not coming back. I managed a day hospital with a fantastic small team of caring, innovative staff. I gradually spent less time with them, often sitting in my office at lunchtimes instead of with my team. My sleep became interrupted and I woke up early most days. I didn't see my descent despite being a mental health professional. I had written to my manager expressing my unhappiness at the lack of support for my team and unit and how I was experiencing stress at work. I got no answer until one day when I was off sick, my manager rang me at home to tell me my acting up managers post was being taken by someone on a permanent basis. There was no acknowledgment of my work, no options, just a decision. In truth I was probably off work because was depressed but I just didn't know it. The next two hours were a blur. I wrote a note to my wife and family and got in the car. I decided that I was driving to coast and going to jump in the sea. I got half way there and drove through a market town. I noticed the sign for a bank and then a telephone. Something clicked as I left town and I stopped. I turned my car around and went to call home. My wife told me to just drive home which i did.
I don't know the full detail of what was in that note but knew I had let my family down. I wasn't strong enough, determined enough, well enough to be who I was. Like many who have decided to end it all, I felt my family would be better off without me. This seems the most obvious thing in the world at that moment. My failure at work kind of summed it all up. If I had been a better manager, I would have been given the chance on a permanent basis. It transferred to other aspects of my life. I could have been a better father, husband, son.
My road back has been long one. There have been many downs in those 15 years and some monumental changes. My life is infinitely better now than it has been for most of those 15 years. Depression is a misunderstood illness. It leaves permanent scars, reduces your capacity to fully function, destroys self confidence, self esteem and motivation. My scars live with me but they are faded.
Give your friends and family the support they need when helping them to overcome depression. Show them they really count, that there is another way. The Black Dog is always there in the background, waiting to come closer. Put yourselves between the sufferer and the dog. The more support and love you give, the smaller it becomes.
I used to think that my depression was just a sign of weakness, of failure, of inadequacy. My depression was not any of those things. Don't let those around you struggling, believe those signs.
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