Self awareness and why it sucks.
I'm a failure.
Don't stop reading please otherwise I'll feel even more of a failure.
Which I most certainly am.
You see failure is often judged by an individual against a set of parameters, chosen by them. You see a person with a pre disposition for depression, these parameters are unrealistic and broad. I have no money, very few people buy my books, I suck at relationships and I'm overweight.
'Go and do something about it and stop moaning then!' May be your retort.
Some of you may wildly over inflated opinions of your own self worth or success but I'd swap a bit of yours for mine.
The failure thing is hard to shake, trust me. Are my expectations and ultimate failure to live up to them exaggerated by today's obsession with introspection and self analysis?
I was listening to an item on Radio 4 on the causes behind eating disorders. Now having cared for patients with eating disorders, I think the reasons are many and varied. But and this might be a big but, part of it is the persons distorted body image being measured against societies views of the perfect body?
Mental illness is often the point where negative beliefs become irrational by extending the logic to the illogical.
A depressive will think their life sucks because they are worthless and hopeless. Their life might suck because shit has happened behind their control but they choose to internalise it. A person, invariably a young woman, will fall into an eating disorder through similar extensions of thought. Food can be used as a means of regaining some control of a shit situation (beyond the control).
Family, society, media is encouraged to understand their dynamics nowadays. We are told that self actualisation, mindfulness and becoming self aware will lead to happiness and balance. Every action, word or interaction is analysed. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat open us up to immediacy and require a response. We post a comment, link, photo which encourages others to make a judgement. They may like, share or comment. Even worse though, they may ignore them. Even worse by virtue of no response.
Surely there was a time when we didn't pick apart our lives in public. It can't be just when we were at war (we were too busy dodging bombs or fighting for King and country). Technology has created the tools to share our own thoughts. We share like mad now.
Oh shit, I've just realised that this is exactly what I'm talking about!
Getting back to the me being a failure thing... Stoicism is often the death sentence for a depressive. We keep quiet until we've gone too far. Some of us walked back from the ledge. Some of us, well me actually, decided to become a writer. To work out my insecurities and sadness through putting words together. I tried stoicism, silence and 'getting on with it' and it didn't work out well. There has to be a filter to what we share, a limit to how far we go and a brake on when we should share. I'm not pretending I get it right and it might seem too much for you but I can't take responsibility for your limits.
So I am a failure when I compare myself against those of you who succeed, create, achieve. Don't tell me that's rubbish. You might be one too. But we can at least share this. And that will make it better. Or maybe not. But others will know about it.
Don't stop reading please otherwise I'll feel even more of a failure.
Which I most certainly am.
You see failure is often judged by an individual against a set of parameters, chosen by them. You see a person with a pre disposition for depression, these parameters are unrealistic and broad. I have no money, very few people buy my books, I suck at relationships and I'm overweight.
'Go and do something about it and stop moaning then!' May be your retort.
Some of you may wildly over inflated opinions of your own self worth or success but I'd swap a bit of yours for mine.
The failure thing is hard to shake, trust me. Are my expectations and ultimate failure to live up to them exaggerated by today's obsession with introspection and self analysis?
I was listening to an item on Radio 4 on the causes behind eating disorders. Now having cared for patients with eating disorders, I think the reasons are many and varied. But and this might be a big but, part of it is the persons distorted body image being measured against societies views of the perfect body?
Mental illness is often the point where negative beliefs become irrational by extending the logic to the illogical.
A depressive will think their life sucks because they are worthless and hopeless. Their life might suck because shit has happened behind their control but they choose to internalise it. A person, invariably a young woman, will fall into an eating disorder through similar extensions of thought. Food can be used as a means of regaining some control of a shit situation (beyond the control).
Family, society, media is encouraged to understand their dynamics nowadays. We are told that self actualisation, mindfulness and becoming self aware will lead to happiness and balance. Every action, word or interaction is analysed. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat open us up to immediacy and require a response. We post a comment, link, photo which encourages others to make a judgement. They may like, share or comment. Even worse though, they may ignore them. Even worse by virtue of no response.
Surely there was a time when we didn't pick apart our lives in public. It can't be just when we were at war (we were too busy dodging bombs or fighting for King and country). Technology has created the tools to share our own thoughts. We share like mad now.
Oh shit, I've just realised that this is exactly what I'm talking about!
Getting back to the me being a failure thing... Stoicism is often the death sentence for a depressive. We keep quiet until we've gone too far. Some of us walked back from the ledge. Some of us, well me actually, decided to become a writer. To work out my insecurities and sadness through putting words together. I tried stoicism, silence and 'getting on with it' and it didn't work out well. There has to be a filter to what we share, a limit to how far we go and a brake on when we should share. I'm not pretending I get it right and it might seem too much for you but I can't take responsibility for your limits.
So I am a failure when I compare myself against those of you who succeed, create, achieve. Don't tell me that's rubbish. You might be one too. But we can at least share this. And that will make it better. Or maybe not. But others will know about it.
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